I dont know what’s wrong with me anymore. When I told my best friend that I was pretty sure I was depressed it seemed a bit ridiculous but at the same time very spot on. I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I want something to do to keep my mind busy but its harder than it looks. I cant wait to go out of town but the fact that Im going to see my boyfriend makes a bit less exciting because most of my worries are because of him. I dont feel what I usually feel with my former boyfriends. I cant see a future with him, Im usually very spot on with that. I just cant see us making it very far because of our lack of communication and his lack of I guess making me feel wanted. I just want to be able to talk to him all day every day about anything and everything but its impossible with someone like him. He seems as detached as I do, but my excuse is that I’ve run out of places to hide. He just seems to wrapped up in his own little world, somewhere I clearly dont belong. I want to tell him all of this but I dont want to hurt his feelings or make it known that Im unhappy. And here I was thinking that I was getting bad at keeping my true emotions hidden. Im still pretty good at it. But should I keep hiding? Or am I just over thinking things because I have nothing better to do?
If you feel like Im just complaining, let me know. I want to know when im overreacting, but from someone who doesnt know anything about me whatsoever.
"I cant ever tell how you’re feeling." Is what I wish people would say when they look at my face. But no, everyone can see that theres something wrong. But what bothers me is that I try to look indifferent but all I get is an angry face. I cant help that, I try to but I cant make it look the way I feel. So everyone just thinks I go about my days angry at the world or at them when I just want a break, from the anger, the pain, the fighting, the feeling of worthlessness and hatred I feel towards myself at the end of every fight. No one is ever on my side because Im always wrong. Im either too emotional or not emotional enough. I dont know what to do with my face anymore.
I’ve tried giving up on being happy or at peace with the people around me but I keep being pulled back in with my hope and faith that things will get better. I dont know what to do anymore to stop the fights. I could just take the insults, let them sink in, dont bother expressing that its wrong to go every day with that kind of mindset but no, Im just too sensitive. Maybe I should go back to the way I used to be? Hard as a rock. Cause I have definitely softened up quite a bit. Internalizing my feelings should help me survive this time here at home. But its so hard because its like I forgot how to hide my feelings, either that or I just dont like to fake it anymore. I want people to understand how I feel but no one listens long enough for me to get to the heart of why I get angry or sad or they dont even bother with what I have to say. I wish I could just write everything down, have them read it. Would they take it seriously? I doubt it. Im just a person who cries, screams, cusses, hits, bullies, hates, bitches, TOO MUCH.
If I were to commit suicide one of these days no one would know why. Or, maybe yet. they’d just think I did it cause someone hurt my feelings one time and I just overreacted. But what they dont get is that I love life too much to do something like that. Everyone thinks Im just this horrible person with anger issues and an attitude, when all I want is to show everyone that deep down Im a good person, when others are good in return. I used to be such an angry and evil person but I’ve changed and I dont ever want to go back to that. Its difficult to do this when I have people who still think of me as that person and dont refrain from reminding me every single day of my life. Its only when Im around the people who SHOULD know me the most, but really dont. If they really tried to get to know me they would learn why I am the way that I am and why certain things trigger my anger. Just because I go running ALMOST every day doesnt mean I still dont see that fat girl staring back at me in the mirror, especially when I havent worked out in a long while and I cant stick to a diet to save my life. It just hurts to hear it from other people because I believe it, just how I dont really believe that Im skinny when people tell me that I am. They think I do it in vain but honestly I just want to be able to look at myself and not hate what I see. Its deeper than my weight even. Whenever me and my sister fight over something I take a long hard look at myself, and what could have gone differently so it didnt have to end in us not talking for awhile. I try to improve myself, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt, but Im a working progress, you cant say Im not trying. When someone like me sees a difference in how I act, Id like to believe that I have changed, Im my hardest judge of character.When it comes to a friend that will stick by your side no matter what, I dont really have one when Im here. Yea hes my best friend, Im too patient to give up on someone like him. I try to tell him how to talk to me so that I dont get angry all of the time, but then Im just a bitch in the end. Im always the one with the problem, maybe its true, but who knows. I try to keep to myself after a fight, but that cant happen. They always try to talk to me afterwards, and yea I guess thats trying to put it behind us but the hurt is still there. And not even so much that, its knowing that its going to happen again. I dont need or want that much anger in my life. I just want to be happy. I guess thats just too much to ask for so I dont want to ask anymore.
Expectation: Get to be happy because you don’t realize you are crazy.
Reality: Have to deal with knowing you are crazy and be forever unsure if the information your brain is giving you is sound.
Expectation: Get to live in a mental ward and be coddled forever, don’t have to have…
Going through the motions of every day life. Moving through it all just to finish the day and finally get some sleep. I feel…I don’t know what I feel anymore honestly. Im happy but I know deep down im not. There’s something wrong and I was clueless for awhile but now I believe im depressed. I don’t know why I would be. There’s no legitimately good enough reason for me to be. 1) I have a great boyfriend, but it seems as if he doesn’t want to talk to me half the time. We just started dating and I don’t know where to draw the line on what is bugging and what is trying to have a good conversation. I just want to talk to him all day. Living four hours away from each other doesn’t make this any easier. But we’ll survive I guess. 2) I have God. I love him with all of my heart but our relationship is not the best. I’ve been pulling away alot lately. It’s because I’ve gotten so lazy that my mind just doesn’t seem to work the way it did when I was in school. I’ve been on break for a week. My mind is slowly deteriorating. I just want to do mindless and mind numbing things. And you see where my dilemma is with things. I keep straying away from God. My savior. The only man who has not done me wrong. The only man who I trust with all of my might. The only man who I can’t seem to keep a long term and consistent relationship with. Maybe that’s why I suck at relationships to begin with. I need to fix the most important one before anything else. But im so lazy and so fucked up in the brain. 3) I just finished my sophomore year in college. Im a junior now and I got a 3.6 for the semester. Im doing quite amazingly in school right now. Better than I ever thought I would. I sell myself so short when it comes to my abilities. It’s easier to live with myself when I do this. So I can be proud when I excel and won’t be surprised when I don’t. 4) My family life is pretty good. They are healthy and that’s what counts. Except my mom, who might have a heart condition, my sister who is getting back into her marijuana addiction along with my brother.
To be continued.